Aaah Humanity, such a fresh breath of Air

Why do I even like that person, is a question I'm guilty of asking myself more than once. Why do we really people, and why do we have to surround our life with positive and negative emotions. I believe the whole concept of loving or hating dates back to, well Adam and Eve, Aaah women, and in our life as early as pre-childhood. With the conformance of these feelings we learn to form opinions some of which are a pile of prejudiced crap that swiftly rests in our ever so fragile mind. Like all black people are criminals and all Muslims are radical terrorists who want to impose the shariah law and kill white people.( I'm sorry, I might have a little prejudice there, pun intended). At least back in the day, it was either love or hate, black or white, now however, our emotions are getting as complexed as our first world problems in our third world country. I have myself experienced Love, pride, guilt, awkwardness, inferiority all in the same day, and usually I would be someone who doesn't partake in a lot of drama. Since when has conforming trust between peers, been dependent on actively participating in backbiting a 'common' enemy. Since when is ridiculing people publicly A sign of respect and authority. Yes, unfortunately like many I am as of a culprit of mortifying ones perception of self esteem, but I am trying to break free from this bigoted mindset of how things are, they shall be and trying to understand human values and emotions. I want to relive my childhood friendships and selfless relations. A human brain has the power to learn anything, than why fill it with hate and agony why can't greed and hatred be replaced by love and peace. I know the world probably seems more cynical from my lens than it really is, but if we could be as good from inside, free from worldly pretence; this world will be a truly happy place. 

In All honesty, i don't remember the reason why i named these blogs now and then. probably I didn't expect it to be as personal and reflective, as they have become, and decided to go with anything that sounded deep. I have clearly not been able to live up to my statement, of writing one blog a day, but i guess the whole reason of these blogs is to record experiences rather than moments. Anyway, I think I have finally produced a reason behind 'now and then' I guess i can reflect back at how i've managed to be the same person, with a completely different perceptions about most things. Such ideas do not necessarily make me a better or worse person, but definitely help me stay grounded while evolving as a person. New experiences some times open new paths, and optimism drives us through it. 

“To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.”  Bertrand Russell

Hope.

Usually before writing a blog, I have some idea of what i am going to talk about. This time however, all  I have is plenty of time and the spirit to free my emotions.
I'm back in Pakistan for my summer vacations, and everything is going pretty well, other than the usual glitches(I understand that a glitch is an understatement for the given scenarios, but my somewhat patriotic nature doesn't allow me to be anymore harsh). I have also recently come in terms with someone i have wanted to talk to for a very long time. so far so good eh?? Not really!! i'm not being ungrateful. As a matter of fact, my fake attempts at being modest in the past, have actually had a great impact on my life, and i can't thank GOD enough for his blessings. I do feel as though, my disappearance from home and society in Pakistan have created a certain void, which is proving hard to fill. I'm not certain if this is because of my introvert nature, or because i have genuinely missed some memory making experiences. most of my blogs have not discussed my private life..Not because anyone else is interested, but because of the fact that I myself might regret something i have written today, in the future. This blog may not say much for someone reading it, but it definitely forms a memory for me that i can look back to in the future, and hope that I was being apprehensive for no reason at all. 

Restless!

Have been in a state of restlessness recently. I have somehow started to deviate from my responsibilities. I wouldn't say that I am wasting my time or anything, but i have repeatedly failed in completing my recent tasks. I would not satisfy myself by blaming all this on to others, I believe that it is absolutely my fault and I have managed to have the confidence and guts to stand up to it. Maybe the reason to my restlessness is that i have changed my personality to a great extent, unwillingly of course. Only recently have I understood, that what I thought of as a cultural change was actually a BIG TRANSITION taking place in my life. Yes i have managed to become more confident and more aware about my surroundings, but at the same time I have also become mischievous. I have somehow learned to get away from mistakes and agreeing to the fact that what I did was the right thing to do. I completely understand that such actions could have some serious reprecussions in the future, but for a while i am willing to let go. This could be because of the fact that these years could be the last years of my lif when i could have a life of freedom and make decisions which wouldn't really effect anyone other than myself. I don't want anyone to misconceive my statement, and assume that this will lead to a change in my personality. I guess like everyone, I want to get away from the real world for a while and live life a little. Its not too late until reality knocks on my door and wakes me up from my dream. 

Reality or fantasy!

Talked to an old friend today after a long time, she made me realise that my pessimistic approach to life may not be as wrong as i think it is! yes, it is not good to go against the norms of the world and develop a separate space for you and your ideologies, but somewhere in my subconscious mind I realised that I am different. I have no intention of being a leader, but at the same time I don't want to be known as a follower of ideas which i believe are unethical. Competition teaches you a lot in life and makes you overcome your flaws, however you cannot define something as competition if the sole purpose of it is to demoralise someone. I wouldn't call my self an antagonist, but I cannot support someone just on the basis of popularity or fame. My philosophy seems very ambiguous for now, but I would soon present a solution for it.

Private, conservative or Secret!

I've never been someone who has opposed change, but at the same time i would prefer to stay away from it. I do realise that it all sounds confusing and vague, but it is all a part of my quest to find myself..where do I fit? is a question that i have asked myself many times and have constantly failed to find the answer. The title of my blog are three words which can pretty much define my life, in very different ways ofcourse! I've always been known as a person who can manipulate a situation very quickly and someone who is very confident in confronting people. I would call this as my defence mechanism. At certain times I have tried to stay of reality as much as I can, so i can enjoy moments of bliss. This does not suggest that my life is a struggle, I am very happy and could not thank GOD more, but i have realised that I am different. I have been two faced all my life, now in a deceptive way, I would never do that, but in a way where i could have the comfort of living my life they way I want, While living upto everyone else's expectation. My greatest desire is to have a peaceful life, which I can enjoy with my loved one's without having to answer anyone else. After all, it is above all by the imagination that we achieve perception and compassion and hope.

Satisfied!?

My Grandmother is in england, and i am in milton keynes to spend sometime with her and the rest of the family. I was sitting today by myself thinking about life, which is not something unusual for me. I have a habit of thinking about different things related to my life and how if they were not there, my life could have been very different. Thinking about everything i realised that, i personally don't thank God for what i have i always fine some excuse by which i can prove that my life is not perfect. Why is that! I have a perfect family Mashallah, i eat more than the usual 2 times a day, i have been given the opportunity to chase my dream by studying in one of the best university. Is it because of human nature or do i have to fill this void by striving even harder. This is a question that i can't answer right now. maybe I am waiting for an experience which would give me my answer or something else, I would probably just have to wait for it. one thing i know is that, this feeling inside me cannot be defined as greed. To be honest, even though all this still seems very vague I think i want to give more to life rather than take something from it. For now all I can say is that I take life as it comes and will continue to do the same in the hope that one day I will find my answer and it will be close to what i expect it to be.

P.S I know I make some grammar mistakes, this is mainly because of the lack of time!